Surprise…
Bet
you didn’t expect me to write so soon, huh? (Well the fever is waning and I
feel better, so I update, Ja Jawhol!) I promised an update after every session,
and you should all thank the plane raiders of stupidity (bender & gorby)
for giving me oodles of material to bitch/whine/bash heads about.
Now
guess who is to be stricken with various objects (from pies to flaming bastard
swords) in this editorial? The title gives it away right?
Well,
my precious little bender, the good news is that you can still be jealous and
keep those bender eyes green of my little dwarf and his 120+ HP, so the game is
not about to take a turn for the worse…
The
bad news, and this is nothing new, you suck…
It’s
not that easy taking the front; now is it? Funny how creatures do a nifty 50+ points
of damage every round without so much as a blink, and you just stand there,
(bunny slippers and all) tumbling to the ground (and not because you failed a tumbling
proficiency check…) every time a random encounter yawns in your direction (and
don’t get me started on the 1 strong creature who’s ripping the fighter first
Vs the horde of goblins with the trapped room – I almost went into a coma the
first time around). Oh, don’t start with the “I wanted a balanced character
crap” I bet Jeremy thinks otherwise about your maneuvers (speaking of your kit,
I’m baffled, is the weapon master* a better warrior than the old fashioned
fighter? Why? Next time take an Athasian, half giant, gladiator – 19 strength,
to keep it balanced…).
Pray
tell, oh bender, why on earth do you wish to make a chaotic neutral dwarf with
twin battle-axes, an attitude and a spell or two angry? You are so lucky I
decided to smash the Brun (yes, I know, ©) stereotypes completely, but have no
fear; I will have a fit sooner or later…
*
the weapon master kit is registered bender trade mark and as such, it sucks ass…
Modron,
if this was your mid semester, Tu be Shvat report card, you’d get some nifty
remarks:
a)
No
new grape (I know what you’re thinking, I only tried it because I couldn’t believe
my memory of the vile fluid was so lucid and true…).
b)
The
sacrifice, coming over just for the game, respect (although you fell to a
tickious sleep before 3:00…)
c)
Two
months with the modroness… That’s more than most modrons had in a lifetime…
Hadish,
excellent game, quiet and useful as usual, although you could have chipped in
on the curing machine – it was almost as if you weren’t there (then again, when
is it not so?).
Gorby,
when I write to you, I recall the guy who was on trial for speeding in the same
place 3 times, you see, he wasn’t aware of the camera and sheepishly
(bariurly?) said it is not of any educational value, since a single ticket is
enough to teach you a lesson, and it’s not like he was aware of the camera,
breaking the law without taking responsibility for his actions. Where is the
resemblance? You didn’t read the site last week, so now I can only say that you
are still lame for not making any miniatures, not keeping yourself available
for us (the car deprived bunch), hogging the DM (not to mention the foot caress
under the table and the rosy hue – I’ll get to that soon), keeping the stupid
arguments going (it’s like a bender fart – you just don’t know when will it
end, it stinks, and there’s bound to be another one soon), basically being you.
Now
for the new stuff (and I do think that for once you will take the lead from
bender in the “you suck” department) you should have seen yourself developing
that wondrous red glow (radiance, not heat!) about the pick-pockets issue, I
know you’re angry about it, and the last thing on my mind is to guide you
through the ever-treacherous trail of picking-pockets with Ganor in charge, you
must admit, though, that you do it to yourself, you were the one role-playing a
fiend that got so angry it was driven to break possession of a faggy character,
haven’t you learned? Besides, try to be a little smarter (we’re not the goody
two-shoe party that will forgive and forget a thief – the best you will get is
a trial – if you’re lucky), you might as well be unaware of the fact that
someone saw you take something and it’s bye-bye rogue…
The
second thing was your uncanny knack to fumble – be it knife, sword or scroll,
Gorby can out fumble them all!
Next
is your greed (“I’m not a fated, I just measure any and every thing by monetary
value and I do no charity”), the plate mail argument was superb, even for
you…
Think
of this picture, bender and gorby as Terrance and Phillip looking for treasure
(buried is the preferred option…).
The
forth thing I had in mind was the following scenario:
There
I was, driving like a sedated hamster, just wanting to get home, when all of a
sudden, America’s number one, new, real-time show, happened before my bare eyes
– “When Matia Attacks”.
A
show about near death experiences involving an innocent party (me, duh!), Gorby
and bender…
Was
it not enough you almost took me off the road, you tell me it was benders fault
because he farted? Was it not expected that bender would fart? If you can’t
handle the heat stay out of the kitchen (or, more suited for this occasion; if
you can’t handle the gas, stay away from bender).
Who
gave you a license? Where did you learn to drive? Kibinimat!
Jeremy,
sandman my ass…
Next
time talk to bender before the game, what would you say to another hour of
sleep (we started after 22:00), read e-mail, if you don’t, approve things
faster ok, fagster?
And
now, to conclude the bashing of heads, a poem.
First
an intro, if you have the green day/dookie album, it’s there somewhere, a
little verse which goes something like this:
I
was alone,
I
was all by myself,
No
one was looking,
I
was thinking of you…
On
and on it goes (implying self gratification and similar activities).
Well,
this is my version for Gorby:
I
wasn’t alone,
The
whole group was there,
I
thought they weren’t looking,
I
was thinking of loot,
Now
I’m alone,
I’m
all by myself,
The
dwarf chopped my hands off,
I’m
bleeding to death,
And
now that you mention,
I
have no loot…
(Repeat
till death due to severe hemorrhage)
Bad Idea
Myself,
having the worst case of grippe ever!
Worse Idea
Faggy
limping from here to eternity…
Worst Idea
Bender
making hot, steamy, chicken soup…
As Bad as it gets
Gorby
liver stains, what else?
Good Idea
Wearing a yarn head-piece
to keep the brain above freezing temperature.
Bad Idea
A
Jeremy Kaplan hair due (hey, now that you know what’s it all about, it deserves
another mentioning…).
Good Idea
Safe candle tending.
Bad Idea
Bender
candle tending (Benderella! Scrape them floors!)
Good Idea
Enjoying the safe
comforts of dating a modroness (squeaking bed or not).
Bad Idea
Suffering
the sheer horror of waking up next to various Shoshi-Mamas all the time…